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Message |
    
Jan Christiansson
ALSC Junkie
Username: Janoc
Post Number: 286
Registered: 4-2007
| | Posted on Thursday, February 25, 2010 - 2:52 pm: | 
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HAVE A GREAT LAUGH!
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day....
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you! |
Don Bagnall
ALSC Junkie
Username: Baggs
Post Number: 497
Registered: 4-2007
| | Posted on Wednesday, March 03, 2010 - 3:26 pm: |
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A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says
"Whoa, look at the size of that f*cker!"
"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.
Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, " Sorry father,
but that's what this fish is called - it's a F*cker fish"
Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes
the fish back to church.
"Look at this huge f*cker" says the priest, spotting the bishop.
"Language, please! this is God's house," replies the bishop. "No, no -
that's what this fish is called, " says the priest.
"Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that f*cker
and we could have it for dinner".
So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother
superior.
"Could you cook this f*cker for dinner tonight?" he asks her.
"My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked.
"No, sister that's what the fish is called - a f*cker, " says the
bishop.
Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "wonderful,
I'll cook that f*cker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!"
The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it.
"Well, I caught the f*cker!" says the priest.
"And I cleaned the f*cker!" says the bishop.
"And I cooked the f*cker!" says the mother superior.
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back
on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours
himself a whiskey and says
" You know what?, You c*nts are alright." |
Duy Le
ALSC Guru
Username: Sor44h
Post Number: 1057
Registered: 5-2007
| | Posted on Thursday, March 04, 2010 - 8:31 am: |
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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks..
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the barman.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ..
"What the f%^k would they want with a plasterer??!! |
Jan Christiansson
ALSC Junkie
Username: Janoc
Post Number: 288
Registered: 4-2007
| | Posted on Tuesday, March 16, 2010 - 7:10 pm: |
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A Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your Dad home?"
"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
"Well, is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'
The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard." |
Jan Christiansson
ALSC Junkie
Username: Janoc
Post Number: 290
Registered: 4-2007
| | Posted on Friday, March 19, 2010 - 12:38 pm: |
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A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with Him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'let’s go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'my ears?!?!?'' Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere.
How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'
Clearing his throat, he stammered... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... That was me.' |
Ali Yazici
ALSC Junkie
Username: Wa_ali
Post Number: 501
Registered: 5-2007
| | Posted on Friday, March 19, 2010 - 7:24 pm: |
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hahahahahahahahahaha that is a ripper!!!!!!! lol |
Dan McColl
ALSC Diehard
Username: Hoon
Post Number: 1524
Registered: 4-2007
| | Posted on Friday, March 19, 2010 - 9:44 pm: |
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Daina Smith
ALSC Guru
Username: Photos
Post Number: 1178
Registered: 4-2007
| | Posted on Tuesday, March 23, 2010 - 12:26 am: |
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Only a man would try this.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative! IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
P.S... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!! |
Don Bagnall
ALSC Junkie
Username: Baggs
Post Number: 499
Registered: 4-2007
| | Posted on Tuesday, March 23, 2010 - 4:29 pm: |
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Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this February from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs ( or B.O.O.M. ) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.
Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".
Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of that Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle - now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like that they are not so keen on going to paradise. |
Jan Christiansson
ALSC Junkie
Username: Janoc
Post Number: 306
Registered: 4-2007
| | Posted on Friday, April 30, 2010 - 8:28 am: |
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LITTLE JOHNNY ON GRAMMAR
Little Johnny was sitting in the class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom...
He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to go take a piss!!'
The teacher replied, 'Now Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to is, 'I need to Urinate'. Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'
Little Johnny thinks for a bit, and then says, 'YOUR'E AN EIGHT, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN'
LITTLE JOHNNY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress, and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael.
'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet, and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael, excellent.'
Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Johnny.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f*ckin' beautiful'.
LITTLE JOHNNY ON GETTING OLDER
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench, munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th bar, a man on the bench across from him said,
'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little Johnny replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time'?
Little Johnny answered, 'No, he just minded his own f*ckin' business. |
Jan Christiansson
ALSC Junkie
Username: Janoc
Post Number: 307
Registered: 4-2007
| | Posted on Saturday, May 22, 2010 - 3:17 pm: |
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Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a
car puttering along at 22 KPH. He says to himself, "this driver is just as dangerous as a speedster!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seats and three in the back - wide eyed and white as
ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him
"Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing
the speed limit exactly. Twenty-two kilometres an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly..
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle
explains to her that 22 was the highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the
woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error..
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask..
is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We
just got off Highway 189." |
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