| Author |
Message |
    
Katrina Bruns
ALSC Regular
Username: Katrina
Post Number: 73
Registered: 2-2009
| | Posted on Wednesday, March 11, 2009 - 8:10 am: | 
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John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and it stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, then realized there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel.
John, paralyzed with terror, watched how the hand appeared out of the darkness every time they came to a curve. Soon, John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering his courage, he jumped out of the car and ran toward it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shots of tequila. He then started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through.
A silence enveloped everyone when they realized he was crying and ... he wasn't drunk.
About 15 minutes later, two guys walked into the same pub. They were also wet and out of breath.
Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Look, Bruce ... there's the bloody idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it." |
Stephen "Johnny FC" Howlett
ALSC Junkie
Username: Soarer123
Post Number: 156
Registered: 4-2007
| | Posted on Wednesday, March 11, 2009 - 12:03 pm: |
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Recently I bought a new Lexus 350 but I had to return it to the dealer the
next day because I couldn't get the radio to work.
The car salesman explained that the radio was voice activated and demonstrated
this brilliant feature.
"Nelson," the salesman called to the radio.
The radio then responded "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie!" he called back and immediately the radio burst into song "On the
Road Again".
Then the salesman calls "Ray Charles," and in an instant " Georgia on My Mind"
immediately replaces the Willie Nelson song.
I drove away very happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say,
"Beethoven," I'd receive beautiful classical music for the afternoon.
Then I would say "Beatles," and I would hear a multitude of those great
awesome songs from the 60-80's.
It was fun and even my girlfriend got into it too.
"Billy Joel" and up came 'The Piano Man"
"Rolling Stones" and up came "Jumpin Jack Flash" plus many other great Stone'••••••.
But yesterday, I had the best experience of all.
A couple tried to run a red light and I nearly crashed my new car, but luckily
I managed to swerve in time to avoid hitting them.
I immediately yelled in anger, "Arse Holes!"
Guess what !!
Immediately up came the song " Good old Collingwood for ever ...."
* Damn it, I just LOVE this new car!* |
Don Bagnall
ALSC Junkie
Username: Baggs
Post Number: 463
Registered: 4-2007
| | Posted on Monday, March 16, 2009 - 4:08 pm: |
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For 2 years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not
wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a
large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If
she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support
until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card,
and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the
child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused
wife. 'Honey!,' she said, 'you received a very strange post
card today .' He said 'Just give it to me and I'll explain it later,'
She did, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white,
and fainted. On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce. |
Don Bagnall
ALSC Junkie
Username: Baggs
Post Number: 464
Registered: 4-2007
| | Posted on Monday, March 16, 2009 - 4:09 pm: |
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A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a
nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies
he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father
assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next
day, Auntie Susie dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him
goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his
son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died.
The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, granddaddy dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him
goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his
son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The
father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed. The man goes
to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified.
The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die.
After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He
doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids
everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise,
starts at every movement and hides under his desk.
Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife.
"Good God, Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire
life!" She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead
on the doorstep this morning." |
Don Bagnall
ALSC Junkie
Username: Baggs
Post Number: 465
Registered: 4-2007
| | Posted on Monday, March 16, 2009 - 4:10 pm: |
|
Hemi the Maori builder was going through a house he had just built for the
woman who owned it.
She was telling him what colour to paint each room. They went into the
first room and she said 'I want this room to be painted a light blue.'
The builder went to the front door and yelled 'GREEN SIDE UP!'
When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to
be bright red.
The builder went to the front door and yelled 'GREEN SIDE UP!'
When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to
be tan..
The builder went to the front door and yelled 'GREEN SIDE UP!'
When he came back, the lady was pretty curious, so she asked him 'I keep
telling you colours, but you go out the front and yell green side up; what
is that for?'
The builder said, 'Oh don't worry about that, I've just got a couple of
Aussies laying the turf out front.'
 |
Daina Smith
ALSC Guru
Username: Photos
Post Number: 1112
Registered: 4-2007
| | Posted on Saturday, March 21, 2009 - 10:38 pm: |
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Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She sent this wining entry to a radio station in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, was all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut. |
Jan Christiansson
ALSC Junkie
Username: Janoc
Post Number: 181
Registered: 4-2007
| | Posted on Monday, March 23, 2009 - 8:54 pm: |
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A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.
For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box '
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that.You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said,
'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said,
'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the poor crea ture?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking . We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins? '
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody.' |
Dan McColl
ALSC Guru
Username: Hoon
Post Number: 1033
Registered: 4-2007
| | Posted on Monday, March 23, 2009 - 10:14 pm: |
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Maria Smithe
ALSC Junkie
Username: 91lover
Post Number: 118
Registered: 11-2008
| | Posted on Saturday, July 04, 2009 - 1:23 pm: |
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Hope you have a good laugh!!!!!!
Man comes home and cathes his mate shagging his
wife so he stabs him to death. His missus says, "F-----g carry on like that, you won't have
any mates left".
-----------------------------------
Believe it or not!
Woman has Man in it.
Mrs has Mr in it.
Female has Male in it.
She has He in it.
Madam has Adam in it.
No wonder men always want to be inside women!
Men were born between the legs of a woman, yet men spend all their life & time tryin to go back between the legs of woman! Why?
BECAUSE THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE HOME!!
Ever notice how all womens problems start with MEN?
MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnecologist And........ When they have real trouble, it's a HISterectomy!
--------------------------------------------
.....Think you're having a bad day? Imagine this:
your a siamese twin joined at the hip. Your brother is gay and you're not... His lover is coming over and you only have one arse. |
Duy Le
ALSC Guru
Username: Sor44h
Post Number: 975
Registered: 5-2007
| | Posted on Monday, July 06, 2009 - 9:10 pm: |
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I've had my GF for 2 years now (practically lives with me) - small white, petite thing, cooks for me, always been good to me.
I go away on vacation for a week, come back and something just doesn't seem right . I asked my Father if he had seen anything happen with my GF and he acts clueless.
So fast forward to 3 weeks later... I'm coming home from work when bam clear as day right in my Kitchen I catch my Father red handed with his meat in my GF.
I was PISSED, told him to get his meat out of GF and GTFO, needless to say my GF got turned off. I just couldn't get over it and that night kicked my GF to the curb.
Now it's been 2 weeks since the incident and that I've been without my GF and about 10 minutes ago my Father had the audacity to ask my how my GF has been. - when he's the damn reason we ain't together no more.
Should I get off ALSC and start swingin on him?
or
Pack my stuff and be on my way.
heres pics of my GF for the pedos from SC on the camel toe thread.
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Dan McColl
ALSC Guru
Username: Hoon
Post Number: 1168
Registered: 4-2007
| | Posted on Monday, July 06, 2009 - 11:43 pm: |
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Plenty more where she came from mate. Just get over it, and go out and hook up with a new one. |
Nic Finn
ALSC Newbie
Username: Swervin
Post Number: 2
Registered: 7-2009
| | Posted on Friday, July 10, 2009 - 4:35 pm: |
|
plenty of good stuff here:
http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/
-happy friday. |
Dan McColl
ALSC Guru
Username: Hoon
Post Number: 1173
Registered: 4-2007
| | Posted on Friday, July 10, 2009 - 9:11 pm: |
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HAHAHAHA |
Jan Christiansson
ALSC Junkie
Username: Janoc
Post Number: 219
Registered: 4-2007
| | Posted on Tuesday, July 28, 2009 - 7:42 pm: |
|
Mr Borg comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "I have great news: I'm a month overdue.
I think we're going to have a baby!
The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."
The next day, Mrs Borg receives a telephone call from Enemalta Corporation (Electric Company) because the electricity bill has not been paid
"Am I speaking to Mrs Borg?"
"Yes...... speaking"
Enemalta guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the Enemalta guy.
"What are you saying? It's in your files...... HOW????? "
"Yes ............. We have a system of finding out who's overdue"
“GOD!!!!!......... This is too much.........."
Madam, I am sorry...... I am following orders.... I have to inform you are overdue"
"I know that ....... let me talk to my husband about this tonight.....he will speak to your company tomorrow"
That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to Enemalta office in Marsa the next morning.
"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at Enemalta, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? and if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle." |
Richard Crockett
ALSC Junkie
Username: Rich
Post Number: 379
Registered: 4-2007
| | Posted on Friday, July 31, 2009 - 1:51 pm: |
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Hahaha! Good one Jan! |
Jan Christiansson
ALSC Junkie
Username: Janoc
Post Number: 226
Registered: 4-2007
| | Posted on Tuesday, September 01, 2009 - 10:47 am: |
|
Two ladies talking in heaven:
1st woman : Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman : Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?
1st woman : I Froze to Death.
2nd woman : How Horrible!
1st woman :
It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman : I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman:
So, what happened?
2nd woman : I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman : Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive. |
Christian Somerville
ALSC Junkie
Username: Csomers
Post Number: 271
Registered: 7-2008
| | Posted on Tuesday, September 01, 2009 - 11:30 am: |
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HAHA! |
Christian Somerville
ALSC Junkie
Username: Csomers
Post Number: 272
Registered: 7-2008
| | Posted on Tuesday, September 01, 2009 - 11:34 am: |
|
One of my engineering lecutrers told me this one the other day.
On an exam day the teacher tells everyone to put their pens down when the time is up, but one student ignores the teacher and continues to write, so the teacher says:
"you! you have failed the exam for not putting your pen down when I told you to"
The student pleas with the teacher for a bit and then after the class has left the student says:
"do you know who I am?"
the teacher replies "no, I don't"
and the student says "so you don't know my name?"
and the teacher says "no, I don't"
so the student grabs the pile of exam and shoves his into the centre somewhere and says "seeya later"
AHAHAH |
Daina Smith
ALSC Diehard
Username: Photos
Post Number: 1225
Registered: 4-2007
| | Posted on Monday, July 05, 2010 - 9:13 pm: |
|
Google April Fools, I love the paper and "find chuck norris" :]
Gmail Paper
Google Gulp
Google Mentaplex
Google Piglatin Search
Pacman
Elgoog
Google search find chuck norris and click I'm feeling lucky. |
Jan Christiansson
ALSC Junkie
Username: Janoc
Post Number: 331
Registered: 4-2007
| | Posted on Monday, August 16, 2010 - 2:40 pm: |
|
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.
Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
-------------------------------------------------- -------
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
-------------------------------------------------- -------
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.
-------------------------------------------------- -------
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.' |
Jan Christiansson
ALSC Junkie
Username: Janoc
Post Number: 332
Registered: 4-2007
| | Posted on Monday, August 16, 2010 - 2:42 pm: |
|
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that
were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
-------------------------------------------------- --------
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
-------------------------------------------------- --------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take
to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
-------------------------------------------------- --------
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other Detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
-------------------------------------------------- ---------
Says Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
-------------------------------------------------- --------
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks
him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!' |
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FUNNIES 
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